Life.

MOVED!

Feb 17, 2008
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I have moved my blog...

Life. (brought to you by Blogger)

Hope to see you there!

<3 Daniel

What Worked: Weekend of 1/26

Jan 30, 2008
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So... like... this is how it went down, Shonqrisha...

What's still in: Mis-matched gloves, tartans, pompadours, cute dinosaurs, and funny light displays.

What's now out: CMU students with no sense of humor and cannot dance, bald people

Where I shouldn't have gone: Some crazy party with CMU art students in Squirrel Hill. They couldn't dance, had no sense of humor, and were all incredibly inane.

Where I should have gone: Wherever the fuck I left my wallet!

What I wore: Serge Valientes, faux-fur neon-pink demi-jacket, ankle boots, white hat, no eyebrows, a Notorious BIG t-shirt, a tartan belt around my chest. HOT.

What I drank: Not nearly enough gin.

Coolest thing to do: Have photos taken of you screaming, "Bunifa needs a muthaf@$*ing bus!" in the middle of Forbes Avenue. Oh... and hang out with Chris, Emma, and Rachel. Work ittttttt.

<3

kthnxbaibaibow

What I'm Workin': Weekend of 1/26/08

Jan 26, 2008
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Mmmk... lemme tell you what's cool and what isn't.

What's in: Mis-matched gloves, tartans, pompadours

What's out: Leggings, heel-less boots, ugly paisley quilted bags

Where you can find me: Pittsburgh's Best Party Since Andy Warhol Did Parties in the 40's

Where you won't find me: 5801

What I'm wearing: Some reminiscent of damaged androgyny.

What I'm drinking: Dirty gin martini - on the rocks.

Coolest thing to do: Take photos of yourself in your underwear after going to a sketchy gay dance club.

It took a shower, a fourty-some minute walk in freezing temperatures, and a lot of talking to myself... but I've worked it out. Life is about taking imperfect things and making them fit together perfectly. People, situations, loves, circumstances, changes, decisions... It's not easy, but it's not impossible. Emotions are like a stream - on the banks of our feelings we find life and beauty. If we follow those feelings without stopping, however, we end up wandering far from where we began and risk drowning in places where scars and bad memories are deeper than we are prepared to handle.

What is written below is what I cranked out before my shower and walk. I felt distraught and confused - two classic signs that I am ignoring what is really bothering me and hiding behind much simpler, much more attractive problems. Digging deep into the dirty, grimy truth and works so much better than walking, eyes closed, downstream.

--------------------

When making Easter eggs, my brother likes to mix all the dyes together and then soak a few eggs in the colour which has no name and, honestly, might not deserve one. The eggs emerged looking muddled and sarcastic. That's how I feel. I feel like one of his Easter eggs - a haphazard combination of colours that were not meant to be put together. I am so moody that I feel moody about being moody.

[Edited for the sake of my reputation and future. ;)] I felt that most awful, awkward feeling... the feeling of wanting to get to know someone better - pour le meilleur ou pour le pire. That feeling horrifies me because it hints that, no matter how much I try to submerge my emotions below a thick layer of logic and cynicism, they are still lurking in the dark corners. Lately, they have been appearing in my dreams - dreams which have themes like loneliness, being lost, abandonment, betrayal.

I am not sure what I am trying to say here.

I think something might be wrong. I think I might be unhappy. I think I feel something cracking.

Oops.

This blog was supposed to be abstract.

...oops.

"We are so fragile.

Our cracking bones make noise.

We are just breakable, breakable, breakable

Girls and boys."

- Ingrid Michaelson

Il n'y a rien à comprendre...

Jan 8, 2008
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My body reminds me of a wind-up alarm clock I had as a kid. It was brass and I loved it. Unfortunately, no matter what you did, it always seemed to be over-wound or under-wound. Always going too fast or too slow, it never told the time accurately. My body does the same thing. I have too much energy or no energy. I'm not complaining... just explaining why I'm STILL awake at 7:15 AM... as in... I haven't slept.

People aren't static and it's sometimes hard to come to terms with that. We cover our eyes and ears and pretend that, if we can't see the burning plane heading straight for the ground, it will never crash. Denial can stop tears, fears, compulsive shopping, fighting with parents, eating a whole cake on your own, and many other things... but denial cannot stop the inevitable passing of time. Sure, physics disproves the existence of time, but we still experience it and that is what counts.

We don't have to be okay with the plane crashes. Sometimes you don't need to go to the memorial service, talk about how many good things the passengers did, mourn the deaths... sometimes you can just look away. It sounds cruel and cold, but it is true. When you finally snap out of the denial and see the plane embed itself in the soil, it's okay to turn your face away. The pain of the crash is enough to make you fully aware of the situation and all the external signs and wonders that the world expects from you are optional theatrics.

Then, you dust yourself off and start walking. Trying to re-assemble the broken pieces isn't always the job of the voyeur. Saving people from the wreckage isn't necessarily your responsibility.

Life is hard. It's really, really hard and anyone who says otherwise is delusional or lying. You can't hold everyone up, be everything to everyone all of the time, or be expected to put up with limitless amounts of wreckage. Sometimes, you just have to walk away from the wreck and mumble to yourself, "fuck this."

2007 was full of wreckage. I sorted through the dead bodies, catalogued the partially-incinerated cargo... and I'm done. 2008 is about being healthy, balanced, and focusing on what I need. Is it seflish? Sure. Is it self-centered? Yup. That's okay. Altruism is played up to be much more admirable than it is.

Jesus died on a cross - that doesn't mean I need to.

Maybe I can sleep now.

<3

Daniel

Thirteen Minutes

Dec 21, 2007
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Thirteen minutes. I have thirteen minutes until I need to leave for work. I had fourteen when I started typing this blog, but my browser froze.

I have a crush. This isn't a surprise. I have lots of crushes. I have a new one every day. My celebrity crush right now is Justin Timberlake. That's not the point. I have a crush and I don't know how to deal with it. After twenty-one years of life, I am still a sixth grader when it comes to my feelings. They're so messy and end up everywhere, on everyone and that just isn't okay. But, of course, I don't tell people about my feelings. No, I just act them all out and take the stress out on my friends. God bless my friends - they must all be masochists or stupid. Oh, it's not that I don't love them... it's that I know they'll stick around. Wow. That sounds douchey. Oh well. I'm trying to be honest here.

I hate sharing my feelings with people. When my therapist asked how it makes me feel to open up and share my innermost feelings with people, I told her I'd rather render myself unconscious by beating my head against her coffee table. She laughed a little. I don't blame her. I'm a joke. A complete and utter joke. At the age of 21, you should not be afraid to tell the people you love what is going on in your life. I'm paralyzed by an almost pleasurable fear, though. I love the feelings I get when I'm about to open up to someone. I feel like I took some kind of really illegal drug and I'm high on the drug AND the fact that I just broke the law.

At the same time, I absolutely hate hitting that high because I know that I am forever more vulnerable after that moment than I was for all the moments before that one. Oh, how I hate being vulnerable. I hate being open. I hate sharing. You see, it's not that I REFUSE to tell you what is happening in my heart and my head and my life... it's just that I really don't want to. I don't trust anyone. Well, that's not entirely true. It's not entirely a lie. I trust a group of people in different ways and to differing degrees and some people are priviledged to have more information than others - which is great for them because they aren't responsible for the complete and utter wreck of a person I am.

Don't worry, I'm not getting down on myself. I just want to be honest. I think God must have tripped on something and pushed the wrong button while he was designing me on his Wii. I like Wii. But, yeah, he did something oopsy. Or maybe I did... maybe I've just made a lot of bad decisions. Sometimes the decisions aren't mine, but I'd be like a bad episode of Oprah if I didn't admit that I am responsible for most of the pain I've suffered in my life. I date the wrong people, love the wrong people, befriend the wrong people, sleep with the wrong people... I like it, though.

I like loving the wrong person and getting my heart broken. It gives me something to do with my time and reminds me that I am alive. It gives me brilliant ideas of what true love is and helps me to get back in touch with my fairy tale self.

Okay - so I have five minutes. Let's make this last part good.

I don't love anyone anymore. Well, I mean LOVE... you know... that way. I don't think love ever goes away, but I think that it goes to sleep. My love for Ryan is asleep. I never loved Christopher... I was just distracted by him. He offered me things (like stability) that I might want when I'm 35... but not when I'm 21. I liked him because he helped me daydream about a romantically horrific life and that's what I'm best at - daydreaming about things I don't need. So, my heart is available. That doesn't mean you can have it, though. Hell no. I can barely find it these days and that's the way I like it! I like having my head rule my heart. I'm an Aquarius and we like things like numbers, theories, and concepts. Your emotions are pretty and I'd like to play in them for a day, but I could never spend the rest of my life with them.

I guess that's how I feel about my crushes. Usually, once I kiss one of them - I couldn't care less if they live or die. I slept with one once... haha. I don't even talk to him anymore. Not because he's a bad person or I hate him or some kind of drama... just because I stopped being attracted. I like the allure of people I cannot have or cannot attempt to win. People who are taboo.

Mylène Farmer said it best: "L'amour c'est rien quand tout est politiquement correct." (Love is nothing when everything is politically correct.)

Political means my friends, my family, my dreams, my hopes, my aspirations, my goals, my bank account. If it makes sense, I don't want it. You know why? Because things that make no sense can't hurt you nearly as much as things that make sense.

It's been thirteen minutes.

Haha.

"Think I'm losing the fight to make sense of it.

Gotta build all my life so I'm safe from the fall.

I'm subjected - expected to know what I feel.

But I don't feel nothing.

It's alright - no big deal."

- Lara Fabian

My iTunes has good timing.

Thanksgiving 2007

Nov 21, 2007
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I just wanted to take a moment to wish everyone a happy, healthy Thanksgiving filled with love and warmth. :)

Fun d'la s'maine !

Nov 20, 2007
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I was: delighted to have a day of rest and relaxation today.
I am: feeling a little down on myself about some things.
I will: start my day early with some research, in a few hours.

YouTube Video of the Week:

Zazie - Des rails

Photo of the Week:

Quote of the Week: "Butch!!!"

I want: to get everything done, right now.
I need: to calm down, because I have no idea what is going to happen.

"Chaque fois, les hommes dérailent..."

Silver Ocean (A Poem)

Nov 15, 2007
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Silver ocean, placid like stone,
My blood streams only for your words -
For the briefest of moments in which
The chamber bells of the heavens
Sing out their chorus and the harmonies
Leave me somewhere in between.

Between the trees, the fairy waits -
With living emeralds in his hair.
Autumn foliage crunches underfoot -
So, the stag will not approach now
Or will his beating heart listen to it?
Will it listen to bell's sweet words?

Words are forbidden in this forest
And silence is punished with the cauldron.
Stalking her prey, the siren creeps
With steps like the ocelot - wild.
This night may last forever and a day.
Caves are frigid and shadows sleep alone.

Alone, the star is shocking -
Like a blood-stained wedding gown.
Natural, but abhorred, the star sits
Watching what it cannot help but mold.
A force of nature, but more. But less!
Those who envy it know nothing.

Nothing cannot console forever
And the dark shapes on the walls at night
When mommy turns out the lamp
Are more than your imagination.
Silver ocean, placid like stone,
My eyes are open wide.

The D-Word

Nov 2, 2007
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I am depressed.

That's right - me. I, Daniel D. Stuchel, am in the midst of a psychiatric depressive episode!

This particular "joy ride" has been looming since Sunday (to my knowledge) and has finally arrived in full force. I tried to pretend it wasn't happening, but... here it is...

Thursday, I slept through all of my classes. Not because I didn't set my alarm or it didn't go off. Not because I had the flu or a cold. Not because rabid camels stormed my apartment and mauled me in the night.

I did not go to class because I could not. The very task of exiting my bed was insurmountable and remained so until around 7:30 PM.

Yes, I have been taking my Zoloft. I'm about to pop my daily 75mg. and go off to work. Work has far more tangible penalties for absence, so I can usually (but not always) manage to get myself there. When depressed, however, I often show up 5-15 minutes late. Luckily, my boss really doesn't care - as long as I show up.

My apartment is clean. I cleaned it this morning to prove to myself that I could. Depression requires that I prove many things to myself and constantly ask myself, "Am I feeling depression right now?"

Depression isn't about being sad. I think it should probably be renamed... renamed to "slow death". Maybe "slow death" will get the point across. I am not sad. Everything in my life is either good or great. No one has died, no one is dying. Nothing catastrophic has happened to me. But, I am depressed. My energy level is non-existant. I have no motivation. I am easily stressed and confused. My emotions fluctuate wildly. I overeat to make myself sleepy so that I can sleep - my favorite activity when depressed and about the only thing I can accomplish.

The time is now 6:55 and I intended to start this blog almost four hours ago.

Four hours have have passed and, honestly, until 40 minutes ago, I did nothing.

I am Daniel D. Stuchel and I am depressed.